The Myth of the Lonely American Male

I remember in my twenties hearing about the lonely American male.  Evidently men in their late thirties and early forties had no friends, little social contact outside the workplace, and lived lives of solitary, mundane drudgery and desperation.  These men were to be most pitied--so I was told.

However, as I have now entered the latter years of my 4th decade (that's my 30's for those of you who have trouble with math), I see this interpretation of reality for what it is: a complete misreading of the facts, and an attempt by younger men (and/or single people of any age) to force a social construct upon maturing masculinity.

Men, at this middle stage of life do indeed often withdraw from close friendships outside of work.  This, however, is by desire and design and should not be considered a problem.  Quite frankly, we don't have time to do otherwise.  Each stage of life brings more and more responsibility, and therefore a lessening of free time to socialize.  In our middle age period we are reaching new heights in our careers, becoming ever busier at work.  Our families are growing (in either number, stature, or both) and requiring more of our time and energy (remember when it was just the two of us, honey).  We do not have the luxury of extra moments for friendship outside of these two spheres (barring, of course, church or other similar, family-based group interests).

I have always wondered at the double-standard we have toward strong public figures who spend inordinate amounts of time to attain social or political standing while sacrificing their families.  We honor their hard work and achievement and then shake our heads in disdain as their families and children implode (e.g. President Bush and his daughters; Newt Gingrich and his ex-wife).  What did we expect?  Anyone who will sacrifice their family on the altar of success should anticipate no other outcome.

No one is beyond the constraints of time.  If you wish to succeed in one area, other areas will require sacrifice.  Would I love to sit around every Friday with friends, staying up late watching movies and playing video games like I did in my twenties?  Sure, but that's what my kids are for now.

I have friends at work and church, and I look forward to the day when I face the empty nest again and have more time alone with my wife.  Perhaps I'll even squeeze in a few rounds of gaming with my old gang of compatriots after the kids are gone.

Am I a lonely American male?  Depends on whose construct you're going to use.  But as I spend time with my wife and children which I no longer have to spend with friends, I don't regret a minute of it.

- RL